The Train

Todays 85 percent is a short but sweet one. It's a memory which sums up the 85 ideal so succinctly I am proud to have been a part of it. I was annoyed at the same time but it's been a while since I have had a spotting quite so neat.

After working late for a few nights I finally managed to leave the office on time. I stepped out of the front doors and happily ambled towards the station, my mind content with the fact that my night was now free to get some things done and also because I could finish the chapter of the book I became engrossed in 8 hours earlier.

I stepped onto the train and realised there were no seats free. Not a problem, I thought and rested my back against the partition so I could read my book. One stop later however the door opened and a number of passengers came in, one of which was holding a bike in one hand and an unlit cigarette in the other. Straight away I knew he was going to do something special.

He nonchalantly (a word which up until now I have never used) stepped into the train and moved his bike over to the opposite doors; the doors I was stood next to about to read my book. He then proceeded to rest his bike there and test it's stability.

I think it's important to mention at this point that the train itself was actually not moving. I think it's also important to mention that the bike was positioned in a straight line exactly the same as the train; it's wheels free to move back and forward should some kind of movement affect it. The kind you would imagine would be quite likely on a train.

I watched him as he leant the handlebar against the window, the only part of the bike which would have had any effect on preventing it's movement. The looked in the man's eyes showed me he was happy with the positioning and subsequently he knew that his efforts had meant his bike was almost perfectly safe against movement of any kind. In fact the look in his eye made me think he had made the bike almost invincible.

He stepped away from the bike and found a seat some distance down the aisle. A seat which had no view of the bike. Suddenly the train began to move and I watched the bike as it too began to roll backwards towards an old woman. Putting my book to one side I grabbed the bike handle and carried on holding it for the next six stops before the man got up from his seat and wandered over to get his bike. At this point I let go of the bike, something that seemed invisible to the man and he looked at it with pride. Good work, he thought to himself.

I stepped away and moved to a free seat. It appeared that the 85 percent moment was now over. It turned out however that I was wrong. As I was opening my book again I noticed the man turn around looking for something out of his pockets, judging by the fact his hands were now empty I imagine his cigarrete. At this exact same time however I realised that we were coming into the train station and the platform was on the other side of the train. Exitedly I watched the man as he fumbled around and the train itself drew to a stop. Regardless of this latter fact the man made no attempt to turn around. Then suddenly the door opened and the bike fell through the doors and onto a gentleman the other side.

Like a hawk the fumbling man turned around saw the disaster before him and instinctively jumped down to pick up the bike which was now half resting across to body of a man and a woman, both extremely suprised to have been suddenly attacked by a mountain bike. The man grasped hold of the bike and without uttering a word or making a sound he pushed past a couple of people and disappeared off to enjoy the rest of his night.

The Gym

Although I've seen little evidence to back up this claim for the female part of the population I think it's safe to say that gyms rank as one of the most frequented hotbeds for those males within the 85 percent. I disagree with the popular assumption that gyms attract men of a lower intellect than others (mainly because I go to one), especially in London, however I've come to the conclusion that those who do go can be placed into three categories.

The first are those men that simply want to stay fitter in one way or another. They do weights, they go on the cardio machines and then they leave. Maybe they go once a week, maybe they go five times; but they go for a reason. Often they're even sportsman who feel a need to improve their game by adding in a little extra muscle work between matches.

The second are those men that just go the gym because they feel they have to. They don't often do a lot. Maybe a little jog on the cross trainer and a sit down in the corner with a coffee and paper. Pointless but it's their money.

Then there's the third kind of gym-going man. The perfect example of the 85 percent mentality. These are the men that go purely for the purpose of spectacle; a desire to make as much noise and take up as much space as possible. My prime example for this, although this is in no way an isolated incident, is a gentleman I saw the other day doing some bicep curls with a pretty heavy weight. As he picked up the bar (after staring at himself for four or five minutes in the mirror) he proceeded to huff and puff his way through the repetitions. As he came to the end of them, instead of putting the weight back on the floor, he just threw the barbell on the ground and let out a big growl. At the sound of 40kg of weight smashing against the floor pretty much everyone in the gym turned their heads. Everyone that is except for the cause of it who was now staring back into the mirror and lifting up his t-shirt slightly. So proud of his noise he was that decided to do it a few more times before sitting on a machine and phoning a mate for twenty minutes about how he couldn't talk for long.

Another example happened last week when some friends and I were using a bench press machine for a couple of minutes when a man came along in a tight vest and said to me "I'm using that after you." I wasn't quite sure why he was telling me this. He hadn't asked how long we wanted to use it for or how long we'd been on it. In fact I wasn't entirely sure why the statement affected me in the slightest. I said to him nicely "We're just doing a few more sets" which caused a look of irrelevance to the man who repeated the fact again "Yeah, I'm using it after you." I looked at him a bit confused, should I care about this? Is he going home for half an hour and expecting me to guard it for him? I smiled at him and turned around muttering "right" under my breath.

I could go on about the 85 percent gym-goers for hours. The way they like to go with their mates and spend 20 minutes talking in-between using machines - "You can use it in-between sets if you want", not great considering I'll have to spend two minutes taking your weights off, two putting mine on and off then another two putting yours back on, but thanks - or how they like to collect the majority of the free weights around their feet in case they need to use them all. There's another side to the 85 percent at the gym which is a little bit different and a lot more concerning; the changing rooms.

There's few things quite as frustrating as being stood waiting to get to your locker because a naked man is bent over in front of you having a full body hairdryer session. He can't hear your pleas to get past (although to be honest the kind of man that does that probably isn't that bothered) and you're stuck trying to find something to do with yourself while he finishes. I'm not entirely sure of why they're quite so opposed to towels but they could at least do it at the back of the changing rooms instead of at the entrance.

Next time: Cash Machines

Trolleys

Today's spotting of the 85 is a bit of an odd one. It's something that I thought was ridiculous the first time I saw it, but the second time I was just amazed.

On my way home I occasionally decide to spin by Asda to pick up some much needed milk and ginger ale. Let me just point out that if you ever want to see prime examples of the 85 percent in action go to Asda in Leyton, in fact it's more like 97% there. I won't go into detail but it's as if every single person in the store is oblivious to the fact there are countless other people moving in close proximity to them. They will literally attempt to walk through you to get to whatever special offers Asda has decided to put on that day.

Anyway, I could probably write a whole book on the 85 at Asda so I'll go back to my original point; the trolley. So a couple of weeks ago I bought my various wares and decided that I couldn't be bothered to walk home, therefore I wandered over to the bus queue and waited. Stood next to me was a small women holding a trolley wherein nestle a couple of shopping bags. As the bus pulled up she made her way to the door and pulled out her bags stepping onto the bus and leaving the trolley in the way of the door. Annoying I though to myself, especially considering the bus stop was on a little hill.

I then watched as the trolley slowly moved away from the bus down the hill picking up speed before it abruptly hit the front of a fairly nice car from which I confused man stepped out and had to move the trolley off the road. I looked at the woman who, after seeing this, turned around and walked to her seat.

Now, I thought this would be a one off. This woman was clearly a special case as it was evidently clear that any trolley left on the little hill in question would inevitably roll downwards; that's just simple physics. However on my way home tonight something odd happened. As I stood waiting for the bus a woman wandered over with her trolley and sat down on bus stop bench with her two children. After sitting down for her much needed rest after the 50 metre walk from the checkout she proceeded to take the bags out of the trolley and place them at her feet. After doing this (and letting out a deep breath from effort) the woman stood up and pushed the trolley towards the trolley park about 5 metres away. I see what's happening here I thought to myself She's taking her trolley back to where the trolleys should go. As she walked across however I realised I was wrong. Instead she stopped 2 metres from the trolley park and left the trolley on the same slope as the previous woman, then stepped back to her seat.

As I had hypothesised the trolley did much the same thing as the one I had seen previously. However luckily this time there were no cars or buses in the way. Then after a short journey it flipped onto it's side in the middle of the road. The woman looked across annoyed, she was evidently angry that this had happened and decided that since there were other people here she would have to act. Getting up again she wandered over to the trolley now resting on it side and grabbed one of the wheels. Slowly and begrudgingly she dragged the trolley across the road until she decided to rest the wheel on the pavement leaving the rest of the trolley still in the road. I saw the look of "Job Done" in her eyes and she stepped back to the bench followed by two proud children of a hero.

Two seconds later the bus came around the corner and hastily had to swerve out of the way of a trolley that somebody had left resting one metre out into the corner of the road. It parked up and began to allow passengers off the bus. The woman was first. I stepped forward and saw that the same woman was now resting her arm on another trolley as she waited to board the bus. "On you get" cried the cheerful bus driver. The woman lifted her arm off the trolley and saw it begin to move, she looked at it as if it was a poltergeist taunting her yet again and pushed it away. As she was stood lower down the hill the handle rolled back into her hand. Again she pushed it.

I'd like to point out here that I don't like to get involved in the doings of the 85 percent. If I get involved I will just get angry; I'd much rather sit back and watch...no good can come of a confrontation with the 85. However after watching the woman push it a third time I was past my limit. I stepped forward and grabbed the trolley out of her hands and moved it 1 metre behind the bus shelter where it contentedly Lent against the plastic wall. Upon turning around I saw that she was happily now sat on the bus. Mouth agape I stepped on the bus and sat in bewilderment and confusion.

The Virtual 85

Firstly I'll just clarify that I actually like Facebook for a number of reasons; it's a brilliant way to kill some time if you have nothing to do and it makes contacting your friends en mass really easy. If people have something interesting to say or want to use it to organize their lives it's brilliant, inviting friends to come to a birthday party couldn't be easier. Granted most of them will probably ignore it and much rather get an email or a phonecall but at least it's a nice reference point.

However, there is one large problem with facebook that makes it a so very difficult for it to be seen in a good light; The 85 percent.

Up until now the principle of the internet has pretty much been that you search for or click on the things you want to see. It has always been your choice who you read about or what views you decide to base your opinions on, but not anymore. Now the average internet surfer is bombarded by adverts and pop-ups everywhere they go and the slightest cursor mislocation can mean a big flash movie will pop up on your screen which then requires a five minute detection of how to find a "close" button.

Now facebook is a bit different. Instead of bombarding you with adverts and offers you don't want to hear it does something else. From the moment you log in it fills your screen with everything you're friends have done over the past 24 hours or so. The term "friends" I use very loosely here. True I have a number of people in my list that are my friends; people I talk to all the time because I find their conversation interesting and am genuinely interested in what they're doing. Then you have the other "friends" which consists of people that for one reason are another are on you list and you can't remove them; like people at work or friends of the family. Removing these people is not an option as 1) The will presume there was a system problem and they'll just try and add you in again or 2) They will question you or spend the rest of your days in the office avoiding you (which could be good or bad).

So these people remain on your list and you are forced to scan through the goings on in their lives every day as you try to find you're actual friends on the site. This alone is not necessarily that bad unless the people you have as your "friends" are the type of people I often find when I log in; those people that, unlike the normal facebook user who just wants to talk to his actual friends, feel a compulsion to find any way whatsoever to broadcast the most inane and pointless information about themselves on an hourly basis.

Every day I see the little "status" thing at the top of the screen telling me what people are up to; something taken far too literally by the 85percent. Fine, if you're going on holiday for a week put it up there, or if you are doing something that may affect your friends then fine but why somebody would repeatedly give updates on the most specific and irrelevant details of their lives is beyond me. "...is tired", "...is bored", "...doesn't like people who can't be honest with her" are all things I really can do without knowing. Whenever I read one of these messages all I see is"...is an attention seeker with an enormously overexagerated level of self importance".

And yes, I know I can turn the status thing off, but I actually do want to read what my real friends are doing without having to clamber through the last 12 messages that someone has updated about whether or not they hangovers is dwindling or a boy likes them.

And don't even get me started on people that have albums called "ME" which contain about 30 of their favourite pictures taken by themselves at arms length.

Poi

On a sunny sunday with nothing to do I decided to visit London's free "Rise" festival at Finsbury Park. It was pretty busy and people were huddled fairly close around the various stages dotted about the park; the close proximity of people offering a perfect time to witness some of the 85 percent. The first of the 85 I saw were the obligatory gentlemen playing football in the centre of about a hundred people sat on the ground chatting. I've seen it happen pretty much any time I've visited a busy park for whatever reason and I've never undersood what spurns them to think it's a good idea.

Firstly the distance available for kicking the ball before it landed in the back of someoene's head was about 8 metres; not the ideal playing space for a game which involves a relatively heavy object moving at speed. In a perfect world I'd hope that the idea "Maybe we should play on the grass over there where it won't inevitably hurt people or annoy them" would come into play. However this never seems to be an important issue.

Secondly the people playing weren't actually very good at it. They were attempting so do some clever kick ups to each other with I imagine if carried out be people who could do more than about three would look quite good.

But these weren't the main 85ers that took my focus at the park. After the footballers had left to presumably find another heavily populated area to play on I was finally able to spend a few minutes watching the stage. That was until one of the men in front of me got up and decided to do something that always leaves me amazed. From the floor he pulled up two little balls things tied to the end of some string with streamers attached. and started swinging them around in obscurring veiw of everyone sat within about a hundred meters of the stage.

Now since seeing him do this I have done a bit of research into it and apparently this hobby is called "Poi" and basis heavily in the lives of the Māori people of New Zealand. They also will set light to the balls and create a sort of firework dance show, which I imagine looks quite good when carried out by people who can actually do it.

What doesn't look good is some fool swinging around two neon streamers when I'm trying to watch a stage show. Especially when he's rubbish at it and keeps getting the things trapped between his legs.

Umbrellas

People talk about the population of London as a mass of selfish, inconsiderate and grumpy individuals going about their business with no concern for those around them. Now I have no argument against this whatsoever, what I object is the fact that these same people believe the rest of the country to be the exact opposite. In my opinion the only reason people make these statements about London and nowhere else is that London just simply has more people in it, you notice it more. And as a Londoner myself I can see it’s true; as I wander around London every day I, like you am constantly subjected to these people branded “selfish, inconsiderate and grumpy” and I’m amazed. On an hourly basis people I pretty much have someone doing something or other that causes me some form of bother or inconvenience because of them. I have since worked out that these people make up about 85 percent of the population, therefore I will henceforth refer to them as the 85.

I should perhaps clarify that the 85 are made up of not only the selfish, inconsiderate and grumpy; it is a grouping of anyone in the word that lives their lives in a bubble of self importance that means everyone else is irrelevant. Whether this is through a feeling of superiority, a desire to cause annoyance or simply through sheer stupidity and idiocy, it is all the same...these people are all part of the 85 percent.

I am well aware that we all do stupid things every now and then; turning around in the street at the wrong time and getting in someone’s way or stepping round a corner to quickly and banging into someone. These are still 85% moments, I cannot deny that, but they are one-offs. It is those 85 percent of people that live their lives by consciously doing things that mean they are causing problems for other people; those individuals that would rather do things their own way without concern for how it affects those around them.

Okay, so now you know who the 85 are and what they do I’ll give you the example that has driven me to document them, the reason I have decided to spend my evening sat down chronicling why more than three quarters of the population are idiots – Umbrellas!

If there was any indication to anyone anywhere that someone had no interest in other people’s lives its umbrellas; a large pointy ended stick held at head-height used for the sole purpose of keeping the user dry in the rain. Now, I don’t use an umbrella; not only because I live in one of the busiest cities in the world where street space is problem enough but because I’d rather not half to walk down the road constantly swinging it about trying to dodge oncoming people. This is not a problem for an average user though because as far as the majority of people using these things are concerned, it doesn’t exist, in their minds the one metre wide object with spiky metal hanging above their heads doesn’t affect their walking in the slightest. The fact that other humans keep getting poked in various locations around their upper torsos doesn’t matter in the slightest as long as their hair doesn’t get wet.

I lost count of the number of times I had to walk in the road yesterday because two women were walking side by side taking up roughly three metres of path, and not even a thank you. But it gets even worse; not content with carrying around a standard umbrella, people are now using what appear to be fishing umbrellas that could fit about six people under them.

Fine, if you have a job interview or you have some other completely necessary reason to not be a slight bit wet then maybe it can be overlooked but why the 85 believe avoiding a bit of rain is more important than causing permanent blindness in another person is beyond me.

Next time: People who hold hands on the street and expect you to move out of the way.