Trolleys

Today's spotting of the 85 is a bit of an odd one. It's something that I thought was ridiculous the first time I saw it, but the second time I was just amazed.

On my way home I occasionally decide to spin by Asda to pick up some much needed milk and ginger ale. Let me just point out that if you ever want to see prime examples of the 85 percent in action go to Asda in Leyton, in fact it's more like 97% there. I won't go into detail but it's as if every single person in the store is oblivious to the fact there are countless other people moving in close proximity to them. They will literally attempt to walk through you to get to whatever special offers Asda has decided to put on that day.

Anyway, I could probably write a whole book on the 85 at Asda so I'll go back to my original point; the trolley. So a couple of weeks ago I bought my various wares and decided that I couldn't be bothered to walk home, therefore I wandered over to the bus queue and waited. Stood next to me was a small women holding a trolley wherein nestle a couple of shopping bags. As the bus pulled up she made her way to the door and pulled out her bags stepping onto the bus and leaving the trolley in the way of the door. Annoying I though to myself, especially considering the bus stop was on a little hill.

I then watched as the trolley slowly moved away from the bus down the hill picking up speed before it abruptly hit the front of a fairly nice car from which I confused man stepped out and had to move the trolley off the road. I looked at the woman who, after seeing this, turned around and walked to her seat.

Now, I thought this would be a one off. This woman was clearly a special case as it was evidently clear that any trolley left on the little hill in question would inevitably roll downwards; that's just simple physics. However on my way home tonight something odd happened. As I stood waiting for the bus a woman wandered over with her trolley and sat down on bus stop bench with her two children. After sitting down for her much needed rest after the 50 metre walk from the checkout she proceeded to take the bags out of the trolley and place them at her feet. After doing this (and letting out a deep breath from effort) the woman stood up and pushed the trolley towards the trolley park about 5 metres away. I see what's happening here I thought to myself She's taking her trolley back to where the trolleys should go. As she walked across however I realised I was wrong. Instead she stopped 2 metres from the trolley park and left the trolley on the same slope as the previous woman, then stepped back to her seat.

As I had hypothesised the trolley did much the same thing as the one I had seen previously. However luckily this time there were no cars or buses in the way. Then after a short journey it flipped onto it's side in the middle of the road. The woman looked across annoyed, she was evidently angry that this had happened and decided that since there were other people here she would have to act. Getting up again she wandered over to the trolley now resting on it side and grabbed one of the wheels. Slowly and begrudgingly she dragged the trolley across the road until she decided to rest the wheel on the pavement leaving the rest of the trolley still in the road. I saw the look of "Job Done" in her eyes and she stepped back to the bench followed by two proud children of a hero.

Two seconds later the bus came around the corner and hastily had to swerve out of the way of a trolley that somebody had left resting one metre out into the corner of the road. It parked up and began to allow passengers off the bus. The woman was first. I stepped forward and saw that the same woman was now resting her arm on another trolley as she waited to board the bus. "On you get" cried the cheerful bus driver. The woman lifted her arm off the trolley and saw it begin to move, she looked at it as if it was a poltergeist taunting her yet again and pushed it away. As she was stood lower down the hill the handle rolled back into her hand. Again she pushed it.

I'd like to point out here that I don't like to get involved in the doings of the 85 percent. If I get involved I will just get angry; I'd much rather sit back and watch...no good can come of a confrontation with the 85. However after watching the woman push it a third time I was past my limit. I stepped forward and grabbed the trolley out of her hands and moved it 1 metre behind the bus shelter where it contentedly Lent against the plastic wall. Upon turning around I saw that she was happily now sat on the bus. Mouth agape I stepped on the bus and sat in bewilderment and confusion.

The Virtual 85

Firstly I'll just clarify that I actually like Facebook for a number of reasons; it's a brilliant way to kill some time if you have nothing to do and it makes contacting your friends en mass really easy. If people have something interesting to say or want to use it to organize their lives it's brilliant, inviting friends to come to a birthday party couldn't be easier. Granted most of them will probably ignore it and much rather get an email or a phonecall but at least it's a nice reference point.

However, there is one large problem with facebook that makes it a so very difficult for it to be seen in a good light; The 85 percent.

Up until now the principle of the internet has pretty much been that you search for or click on the things you want to see. It has always been your choice who you read about or what views you decide to base your opinions on, but not anymore. Now the average internet surfer is bombarded by adverts and pop-ups everywhere they go and the slightest cursor mislocation can mean a big flash movie will pop up on your screen which then requires a five minute detection of how to find a "close" button.

Now facebook is a bit different. Instead of bombarding you with adverts and offers you don't want to hear it does something else. From the moment you log in it fills your screen with everything you're friends have done over the past 24 hours or so. The term "friends" I use very loosely here. True I have a number of people in my list that are my friends; people I talk to all the time because I find their conversation interesting and am genuinely interested in what they're doing. Then you have the other "friends" which consists of people that for one reason are another are on you list and you can't remove them; like people at work or friends of the family. Removing these people is not an option as 1) The will presume there was a system problem and they'll just try and add you in again or 2) They will question you or spend the rest of your days in the office avoiding you (which could be good or bad).

So these people remain on your list and you are forced to scan through the goings on in their lives every day as you try to find you're actual friends on the site. This alone is not necessarily that bad unless the people you have as your "friends" are the type of people I often find when I log in; those people that, unlike the normal facebook user who just wants to talk to his actual friends, feel a compulsion to find any way whatsoever to broadcast the most inane and pointless information about themselves on an hourly basis.

Every day I see the little "status" thing at the top of the screen telling me what people are up to; something taken far too literally by the 85percent. Fine, if you're going on holiday for a week put it up there, or if you are doing something that may affect your friends then fine but why somebody would repeatedly give updates on the most specific and irrelevant details of their lives is beyond me. "...is tired", "...is bored", "...doesn't like people who can't be honest with her" are all things I really can do without knowing. Whenever I read one of these messages all I see is"...is an attention seeker with an enormously overexagerated level of self importance".

And yes, I know I can turn the status thing off, but I actually do want to read what my real friends are doing without having to clamber through the last 12 messages that someone has updated about whether or not they hangovers is dwindling or a boy likes them.

And don't even get me started on people that have albums called "ME" which contain about 30 of their favourite pictures taken by themselves at arms length.

Poi

On a sunny sunday with nothing to do I decided to visit London's free "Rise" festival at Finsbury Park. It was pretty busy and people were huddled fairly close around the various stages dotted about the park; the close proximity of people offering a perfect time to witness some of the 85 percent. The first of the 85 I saw were the obligatory gentlemen playing football in the centre of about a hundred people sat on the ground chatting. I've seen it happen pretty much any time I've visited a busy park for whatever reason and I've never undersood what spurns them to think it's a good idea.

Firstly the distance available for kicking the ball before it landed in the back of someoene's head was about 8 metres; not the ideal playing space for a game which involves a relatively heavy object moving at speed. In a perfect world I'd hope that the idea "Maybe we should play on the grass over there where it won't inevitably hurt people or annoy them" would come into play. However this never seems to be an important issue.

Secondly the people playing weren't actually very good at it. They were attempting so do some clever kick ups to each other with I imagine if carried out be people who could do more than about three would look quite good.

But these weren't the main 85ers that took my focus at the park. After the footballers had left to presumably find another heavily populated area to play on I was finally able to spend a few minutes watching the stage. That was until one of the men in front of me got up and decided to do something that always leaves me amazed. From the floor he pulled up two little balls things tied to the end of some string with streamers attached. and started swinging them around in obscurring veiw of everyone sat within about a hundred meters of the stage.

Now since seeing him do this I have done a bit of research into it and apparently this hobby is called "Poi" and basis heavily in the lives of the Māori people of New Zealand. They also will set light to the balls and create a sort of firework dance show, which I imagine looks quite good when carried out by people who can actually do it.

What doesn't look good is some fool swinging around two neon streamers when I'm trying to watch a stage show. Especially when he's rubbish at it and keeps getting the things trapped between his legs.

Umbrellas

People talk about the population of London as a mass of selfish, inconsiderate and grumpy individuals going about their business with no concern for those around them. Now I have no argument against this whatsoever, what I object is the fact that these same people believe the rest of the country to be the exact opposite. In my opinion the only reason people make these statements about London and nowhere else is that London just simply has more people in it, you notice it more. And as a Londoner myself I can see it’s true; as I wander around London every day I, like you am constantly subjected to these people branded “selfish, inconsiderate and grumpy” and I’m amazed. On an hourly basis people I pretty much have someone doing something or other that causes me some form of bother or inconvenience because of them. I have since worked out that these people make up about 85 percent of the population, therefore I will henceforth refer to them as the 85.

I should perhaps clarify that the 85 are made up of not only the selfish, inconsiderate and grumpy; it is a grouping of anyone in the word that lives their lives in a bubble of self importance that means everyone else is irrelevant. Whether this is through a feeling of superiority, a desire to cause annoyance or simply through sheer stupidity and idiocy, it is all the same...these people are all part of the 85 percent.

I am well aware that we all do stupid things every now and then; turning around in the street at the wrong time and getting in someone’s way or stepping round a corner to quickly and banging into someone. These are still 85% moments, I cannot deny that, but they are one-offs. It is those 85 percent of people that live their lives by consciously doing things that mean they are causing problems for other people; those individuals that would rather do things their own way without concern for how it affects those around them.

Okay, so now you know who the 85 are and what they do I’ll give you the example that has driven me to document them, the reason I have decided to spend my evening sat down chronicling why more than three quarters of the population are idiots – Umbrellas!

If there was any indication to anyone anywhere that someone had no interest in other people’s lives its umbrellas; a large pointy ended stick held at head-height used for the sole purpose of keeping the user dry in the rain. Now, I don’t use an umbrella; not only because I live in one of the busiest cities in the world where street space is problem enough but because I’d rather not half to walk down the road constantly swinging it about trying to dodge oncoming people. This is not a problem for an average user though because as far as the majority of people using these things are concerned, it doesn’t exist, in their minds the one metre wide object with spiky metal hanging above their heads doesn’t affect their walking in the slightest. The fact that other humans keep getting poked in various locations around their upper torsos doesn’t matter in the slightest as long as their hair doesn’t get wet.

I lost count of the number of times I had to walk in the road yesterday because two women were walking side by side taking up roughly three metres of path, and not even a thank you. But it gets even worse; not content with carrying around a standard umbrella, people are now using what appear to be fishing umbrellas that could fit about six people under them.

Fine, if you have a job interview or you have some other completely necessary reason to not be a slight bit wet then maybe it can be overlooked but why the 85 believe avoiding a bit of rain is more important than causing permanent blindness in another person is beyond me.

Next time: People who hold hands on the street and expect you to move out of the way.