Umbrellas

People talk about the population of London as a mass of selfish, inconsiderate and grumpy individuals going about their business with no concern for those around them. Now I have no argument against this whatsoever, what I object is the fact that these same people believe the rest of the country to be the exact opposite. In my opinion the only reason people make these statements about London and nowhere else is that London just simply has more people in it, you notice it more. And as a Londoner myself I can see it’s true; as I wander around London every day I, like you am constantly subjected to these people branded “selfish, inconsiderate and grumpy” and I’m amazed. On an hourly basis people I pretty much have someone doing something or other that causes me some form of bother or inconvenience because of them. I have since worked out that these people make up about 85 percent of the population, therefore I will henceforth refer to them as the 85.

I should perhaps clarify that the 85 are made up of not only the selfish, inconsiderate and grumpy; it is a grouping of anyone in the word that lives their lives in a bubble of self importance that means everyone else is irrelevant. Whether this is through a feeling of superiority, a desire to cause annoyance or simply through sheer stupidity and idiocy, it is all the same...these people are all part of the 85 percent.

I am well aware that we all do stupid things every now and then; turning around in the street at the wrong time and getting in someone’s way or stepping round a corner to quickly and banging into someone. These are still 85% moments, I cannot deny that, but they are one-offs. It is those 85 percent of people that live their lives by consciously doing things that mean they are causing problems for other people; those individuals that would rather do things their own way without concern for how it affects those around them.

Okay, so now you know who the 85 are and what they do I’ll give you the example that has driven me to document them, the reason I have decided to spend my evening sat down chronicling why more than three quarters of the population are idiots – Umbrellas!

If there was any indication to anyone anywhere that someone had no interest in other people’s lives its umbrellas; a large pointy ended stick held at head-height used for the sole purpose of keeping the user dry in the rain. Now, I don’t use an umbrella; not only because I live in one of the busiest cities in the world where street space is problem enough but because I’d rather not half to walk down the road constantly swinging it about trying to dodge oncoming people. This is not a problem for an average user though because as far as the majority of people using these things are concerned, it doesn’t exist, in their minds the one metre wide object with spiky metal hanging above their heads doesn’t affect their walking in the slightest. The fact that other humans keep getting poked in various locations around their upper torsos doesn’t matter in the slightest as long as their hair doesn’t get wet.

I lost count of the number of times I had to walk in the road yesterday because two women were walking side by side taking up roughly three metres of path, and not even a thank you. But it gets even worse; not content with carrying around a standard umbrella, people are now using what appear to be fishing umbrellas that could fit about six people under them.

Fine, if you have a job interview or you have some other completely necessary reason to not be a slight bit wet then maybe it can be overlooked but why the 85 believe avoiding a bit of rain is more important than causing permanent blindness in another person is beyond me.

Next time: People who hold hands on the street and expect you to move out of the way.